I Can't Avoid You Forever
by DomLetty101
Summary: Noah has been acting up lately, and Olivia wants to know why. He is hearing things from a friend at school but when she goes to talk with the parents she is shocked to find out who it is. She knew she couldn't avoid him forever, but she tried to. Will anything change or will they stay the same?
1. Chapter 1

"What are these black things?" My son asked me with a disgusted tone making me roll my eyes.

"They're olives"

"They're gross" He fought

"Noah, remember we said we were going to try new things? Well this is one of them. Besides, you haven't even tried it yet, have a bite you'll like it"

He looked at it with twisted lips and furrowed brows a good indication that he has already made up his mind that he hated olives before he even tried them. Even if he likes them, he will never admit it simply because he has to stick to his original thought of disgust he could never admit to me, his mother that he actually likes something I told him he would. I watched him hesitantly bring the olive to his mouth knowing he would say 'I don't like it mommy' and I would tell him to eat everything else but the olives, I didn't expect a fight, but it turns out I was wrong too.

"Ew! Disgusting" Noah said spitting out the olive before even chewing it and pushing his plate off the counter. My eyes widened in shock at his outburst. This was not the outcome I expected.

"Noah" I said sternly my voice laced with obvious shock.

"I don't want it! I want pizza" He yelled, which frustrated me and brought out my bad cop voice.

"And I said, were having salad tonight." As I starred at him sternly

"I want pizza!" He yelled

"Noah, we cannot have pizza every night, and we cannot have something just because you want it. Life does not work that way young man, so enough with the attitude and eat. Now" I said while pushing my plate in front of him getting ready to make myself a new salad.

"No" He fought back

"I don't know what this attitude is, but it is not going work, so enough or you will go on time out." I scolded "Now eat"

Noah starred at me no doubt with anger, that he didn't get his way. He aggressively stabbed his plate with his fork for each bite and I looked at him with raised brows as a silent way to tell him enough, but he continued to challenge me.

"Stop looking at me" He said with pursed lips

"You do not speak to me that way, so wipe that look off your face and eat" We both continued to eat in silence and when Noah was finished he pushed his plate forward and his chair back to step down but as he did he tripped and fell. He may be giving me attitude right now, but he was still my baby and I rushed to help him up and make sure he was ok.

"Noah!" I yelled as I rounded the island and saw that his head had hit the ground, he lifted his head up and it was bleeding.

"Come here" I said softly as I pulled him to the bathroom and made him sit on the toilet while I cleaned up his head.

"You ok, baby?" I worried as I wiped the blood off his head with a baby wipe that I seemed to always have even though Noah was no longer a baby. When Noah didn't respond I looked down at him and saw his arms crossed and the same angry pout on his face.

"Look, I know there are things that you don't always like, baby, but that does not give you the right to give me attitude or talk to me like that" I tried to explain to him but he continued to ignore me.

"Noah, I don't always want to go to work, but I have to. That's how life works sometimes, kiddo. You don't always like wearing a jacket, but there are times that you have to. I'm not doing these things to be mean to you like you think I am, but I'm doing it because I love you and I want you healthy." Noah continued to look at me with anger not giving up on this battle. I let out a breath that I didn't realize I had been holding as I grabbed the peroxide.

"This is going to sting, do you want to hold me hand?" I offered not wanting to cause him pain even if he was mad. He just shook his head no. I closed my eyes shaking my head as I put peroxide on the cotton pad, I moved it over his cut quickly and blew on it to ease the burn but as soon as I stopped to grab a band-aid he felt the burn and hissed.

"That hurts!" He yelled jumping up from the toilet holding his head, I pulled him back down knowing we had to finish.

"I know, I'm sor-"

"You're a bitch!" He screamed and my mouth dropped. I never swear around Noah, so where he learnt that is beyond me. I was pissed off and he knew I was, he could see it in my face. I grabbed his arm and sat him down with a bit more force this time. I quickly put the band-aid on his head.

"Noah, I am going to tell you this one time." I said sternly as I grabbed his chin making him look at me. "You will NEVER ever call me or anyone else that ever again, do you understand me?" I said looking into his eyes with my bad cop face, which made him roll his eyes and try to turn his head away but I was still holding his chin so I pulled it back to look at me until he responded appropriate.

"Do you understand me, Noah?"

"Fine"

"I didn't ask for you to say fine, I asked if you understood me?"

"Yes" He said with a pout as I let go of his chin

"Where did you learn that anyways?"

"Why?"

"Noah, enough. Where did you learn that"

"School" He shrugged

"If I ever hear that you have been saying that to anyone, there will be consequences, young man." I told him as we made our way out of the bathroom.

I was honestly stunned about his attitude, he has had one for the last few weeks, but tonight was the worst I had seen from it.

"Go get changed into your pajamas" I told him with an exhausted tone as I went to clean up the kitchen, I put the dishes in the dishwasher, and cleaned up the food on the floor that Noah pushed and wiped the counters down. I looked at the clock and saw it was 7:12, he can go to bed a bit earlier tonight I thought as I looked in his backup to find his book.

I made my way to his room where he was sitting on his bed still in his clothes playing on my iPad.

"Noah, what did I tell you?" I asked and he ignored me. I rolled my eyes in frustration as I walked over to him and pulled the iPad from his hands shutting off any game he was playing.

"I was playing that! Now I'm going to lose!"

"That's not my fault, you should have listened when I told you to get changed into your pajamas"

"I'm not tired" He argued

"Then we can read this book till you are tired, because it's bedtime"

"You just want me to go to sleep" He pouted

"Yes, because you have school tomorrow and you need to sleep" I told him while looking through his drawers to pull out his pajamas. I handed them to him and he threw them on the ground.

"Noah" I warned, but he crossed his arms and continued to glare at me.

I picked them out, and gave them back to him. "Put them on, and get into bed. Now"

"I'm not tired!" He yelled pushing me

"Noah" I said softly mostly out of surprise that he would actually lay his hands on me like that. I was furious, but I was not going to do anything to make him scared of me. I pulled him by the arm again and put him in his bed not caring if he had pajamas on or not at this point.

"I don't want to go to bed!" He said pushing the blankets off

"Well then you're going to be tired in the morning" I said turning off the light.

"You just want me to go to bed so you can go to work and have sex!" He yelled, which didn't make me angry it made me confused. My face softened at his outburst because he thought I was going to leave him, but I was still confused as to why he thought I would be going to work to have sex, and how he knew what sex even was. I turned the light back on and went to his bed and sat next to him even though he refused to look at me.

"Noah" I said softly while brushing the hair out of his eyes.

"Baby, is that what all this is about? You think I want you to sleep so I can leave you?" His face softened but still wouldn't look at mine as he nodded his head yes slowly making me breathe out in realization. I pulled the blankets back and crawled in next to him as I hugged him tightly.

"Baby, I want you to go to bed so you're not tired for tomorrow. When you're tired you don't perform as well, and it can sometimes make you feel sick. I want you to be full of energy and to be healthy every day when you wake up and go to school, that's why I want you to sleep, not because I want to go to work" I said rubbing his back and I could feel him cuddle into me a bit more.

"Noah, I always want to spend time with you, you are my favorite person in this entire world, how could you think I don't want to spend time with you?"

"Because you leave a lot when I don't want you to" He said with a small voice.

"I know you don't want me to all the time, I don't even want to, but you know that mommy's job is to help people so they don't get hurt"

"Like you helped me?" He asked quietly as he looked up into my eyes making me kiss his forehead.

"Just like I helped you"

"It is nice to help people, but it's not fair that other people get to see you more"

"How about if you ever need to see me, you call me on Facetime or if it's not too busy I can meet you and Lucy on lunch breaks sometimes ok?" He gave me a sad smiled and nodded.

"Ok, mommy"

"Baby, why do you think mommy is going to work for sex? Do you know what that is?" I questioned not wanting to go into detail but wanting to know where he was learning this.

"My friend at school said that his mommy used to get mad when his daddy used to go to work all the time because he was only going there to have sex with his slut partner" He said innocently not having any idea what it meant. " He said his daddy was gone a lot that's why he doesn't like his daddy going to work"

"Noah, you are the most important person in my life, I will always come back to you, I would never go to work to stay away from you, baby"

"His mommy said that his daddy would go to work for a long long time and it felt like forever because he was screwing around with his whore" I know he was saying this innocently, he was 6 after all he really had no idea, but he needed to know he couldn't say these words.

"Bubba, I promise I will always come back to you. I would never leave you, ever. I don't know about your friends mommy and daddy, and the words he is using are not ok for you to be saying, but sometimes mommy's and daddy's fight, and say things they shouldn't. But that doesn't mean they don't love their babies."

"His daddy lives in another house and they don't see each other everyday, what if that happens to us, mommy? What if you go to work for sex and then we have two houses?" He asked with fear

"First of all, mommy doesn't go to work for sex. Sex is a grown up thing, but it is something that mommy's and daddy's do to say they love each other, second, that will never happen. You will be with me forever, I would never let you go" I smiled at him.

"If sex is for mommy's and daddy's" He started and I felt a headache coming on, of course he was more interested in the sex part of this conversation. " Why did he go to work for sex with his partner?"

"Well we don't know that happened, just because someone said it happened doesn't mean it's true"

"But you said to always believe girls" He stated with confusion.

"I did, and you should, because a lot of girls may need someone to listen and believe them, but sometimes with mommy's and daddy's they get mad and say things that aren't always true."

"So why do they have sex?" He pressed and I really needed a glass or two of wine tonight.

"If it's for the right reasons, then it is to express that they love each other"

"Can I have sex with, Bella?" He asked

"No! You cannot have sex with Bella" I told him quickly

"But I love Bella, shes my girlfriend"

"Remember what I said though, sex is for grown ups, it's between mommy's and daddy's. You're not grown up yet, buddy"

"Yes I am"

"Okay, but you're not a daddy."

"Oh that's right, I guess I will wait 6 whole more years" He said with an exaggerated sigh making me laugh at his time line.

"I love you, Noah. More than you will ever know"

"I love you too, mommy. I'm sorry for being bad"

"I know you are, baby. But, I want you to promise me that if you are feeling like that again that you just come and talk to me ok? I don't want you keeping all of that worry and anger inside of you. I want you to come to me so we can talk about it and if we need to make changes, then we will make changes, nothing is more important than you, my boy."

"I promise" He smiled and I kissed his head letting it linger a bit longer so he could feel that love. I got up and was about to make my way out of his bed when he stopped me.

"Can we read a story, mommy?" He asked sweetly and I couldn't say no. I grabbed my phone quickly and sent two messages, one to Lucy and once to Fin.

 ** _'Hey Luce, I'm going to take Noah to school tomorrow I have to talk to one of the parents there, are you ok to do an afternoon shift?'_**

 ** _'Hey Fin, I'm going to take Noah to school tomorrow morning, I need to have a talk with one of Noahs friends parents tomorrow'_**

 ** _'Hey Liv! That works perfectly, I was going to try to meet up with a friend from out of town tomorrow so that works great! I will pick Noah up after school! If you don't get Noah kicked out by fighting another kids parent lol!'_** Lucy sent back making me laugh seeing as I never told her why, but she knew it wasn't going to be good if I was going to talk to my sons friends parents.

 _ **'All good, baby girl. Try not to kill the kids parents, unless they deserve. But if their kid is messin' with my man Noah, you better make them wish they were never born.'** _Fin sent back making me laugh even louder. Was I really that scary? I wondered and I thought about all of the perps I had interviewed in the past, I thought of their faces and chuckled to myself. I guess I was scary.

I read the story Noah had brought home from school and I told him I would be bringing him tomorrow which made him smile from ear to ear. The story was finished and I kissed Noah's head once more before getting out of his race car bed.

"I love you, mommy"

"I love you too, baby" I smiled and shut his door but not before turning on his nightlight. I had a glass of wine, washed my face and made my way into bed.

 **Next Day**

The cheerful sound of my phone brought me out of my daze as I reached over to answer it, as a force of habit.

"Benson" I said tiredly but no one answered and the sound continued to play till I realized it was just my alarm that read 6:30am. I rubbed my eyes and stretched my body out in a car like way as I unlocked my phone. I went to my favorite app and tapped on the word BREW as I smiled knowing my coffee was now starting. I can be hip and up to date with new technology. I scrolled through Facebook enjoying these first few minutes to myself of quiet. I saw some posts made by friends along with more and more tragedies that were taking place everyday. I closed the app and went to Instagram where I must have liked 20 pictures of puppy's, and babies in the last minute. I checked the news apps as much as I hated to, but I needed to be informed. With my job there is never a happy or joyful day, as soon as someone walks in or calls, it's because it was someone else' worst day, so if I could avoid more bad news on my phone from the comfort of my bed, I tried to. My phone beeped and a message appeared indicating that my coffee was ready so I got up, went to the kitchen and poured myself a cup. I checked on Noah who was still asleep, at least for another 20 minutes.

I went to my bathroom and applied some makeup, seeing more of my age everyday, but it never brought me shame. I brushed my hair letting the natural waves in my hair fall. I grabbed a pair of black skinny jeans, and a denim button up blouse _(A/N: Outfit on Seth Meyers Interview)_ as I gave myself one last look over before going to wake Noah up.

"Baby, time to wake up" I whispered rubbing his back

"Mommy, I'm tired" He whined

"I know you are sweet boy, but I'm making pancakes and I can't eat them alone" He kept his eyes closed but reached his arms up so I could carry him. I brought his small sleepy body to the kitchen and sat him on the counter so he could help me make them.

Finally we were both ready and we made our way to school, I held his hand in the busy streets of New York while he told me about a game him and his friends played, once we finally arrived at school I saw all of the kids and parents, I felt bad that I didn't know any of the parents and yet they all knew each other, I felt left out of what I should be apart of.

"Hey Noah, you remember your friend you were telling me about last night?" I asked and he nodded

"Which one is he? I want to talk to his mommy or daddy" I asked and he looked around for a while before pointing to a boy with blond hair who was definitely older than Noah.

"Noah, how old is he?"

"He's 11, but he helps me all the time. He taught how to hit a baseball and even how to throw better, and he is really nice to me all the time" I smiled, even though this boy was older, he seemed like a good kid, teaching a 6 year old how to play baseball was probably not at the top of an 11 year olds list, and he was good to my son, so it was the parents that I really had to talk to. Noah and I walked up to the boy who was kicking the soccer ball around and instantly spotted Noah.

"Hey Noah! Wanna come play?" He asked and the closer we got the more of a connection I felt with the 11 year old.

"Yeah sure!" Noah jumped with excitement as the boy ran over to us. He smiled such a familiar smile, and those eyes, I know I've seen them before.

"Hey Eli, is your dad here?" I froze at the name. There was no way this was, of course it was, he was a spitting image of...

"Hey dad, come here!" He shouted and I heard it.

"What's up, buddy? Hey Noah! How's the swing going?" He asked my son.

"Hi Mr. Elliot it's going good! My mommy wants to talk to you!" He said with excitement

"Sure thing, buddy! Where is she?" He questioned, but I couldn't move my body to turn to him.

"Right here!" Noah said grabbing my hand to make me turn but I still didn't move.

"Uhm hi, I'm El-" He started but I finished his sentence for him.

"Hi Elliot" I said turning around. Now it was his turn to be in shock.

"Liv"

"You know my mommy?" Noah asked wondering how since I never spoke of Elliot nor had any visible pictures for him to look at.

"I do, me and your mommy used to be partners" Elliot said to Noah while his face grew with confusion.

"So my mommys the whore?" Noah asked making all of us look at him with wide eyes and embarrassment.

"Noah!"

"No buddy, your mommy is definitely not that. Why would you thi-"

"That's why I wanted to talk to the parent" I said not wanting to continue this conversation in front of our children. Elliot silently agreed as we each hugged and kissed our children as they made their way into school. I felt arms wrap around my waist as we turned around, I assumed it was Noah but to my surprise it was Eli.

"Thanks for saving me that day, Olivia." He whispered softly, and I wondered how he remember that, but instead of asking I bent down and hugged the young boy back tightly.

"Always, Eli" I whispered back as I hugged him a little tighter.

"Get to class, you don't want to be late" I said to him as I waved him off with a smile. I turned back and saw Elliot was still standing there.

"It's good to se-"

"Save it, I want to talk about what Eli is telling Noah." We agreed to go to a diner to talk and I had to remember this was only about the kids.

 **TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So glad people like it so far! I am not sure where I am going with this but we will see! R &R**

* * *

We walked into a diner that had been a usual spot for us in the past and grabbed a booth in the back. Once we sat down then awkwardness, tension, and discomfort was obvious to anyone who was in the diner.

"Well these are two faces that I haven't seen in years!" The older woman said as she approached our table making us both smile.

"Hi Linda, it's nice to see you"

"Well hello detective handsome, still looking as good as ever" The older woman flirted making me giggle.

"And you" She said directing her attention to me. "You are still looking nice, but you know that if I was your age I would give you a run for your money with this one" She said nudging Elliot. She always flirted with Elliot, even though she was in her 70's the woman had spunk.

"I think you still could, Linda. He's all yours" I joked, but I saw Elliots face fall out of the corner of my eye.

"You're telling me you still haven't snagged this boy up" She asked with surprise then she lightly hit Elliot in the back of the head. Making him yelp and grab the back of his head.

"What was that for, Linda?"

"Because you're clearly stupid if you haven't gotten this girl yet. You're not supposed to let the good ones get away" She said as she rolled her eyes and now the discomfort feeling was back as she went to get us coffee.

"So Noah, he's your son?" Elliot asked even though it sounded more like a statement, either wait the mention of Noah always made me smile.

"Yeah, he's my pride and joy, hes my everything"

"I'm happy for you, Liv" He told me honestly but I knew there was more to his words so I stayed quiet, but the silence was broken as Linda came back with our coffees and looked at Elliot again shaking her head as she walked away.

"Whats his full name?" And there it was. Even though Elliot tried to ask it in a casual tone, I knew he was asking me who his dad was and if I was with him. I crossed my arms and leaned back into the seat as I let out a breath.

"Noah Porter Benson" I said making it obvious that Noah was mine and no one else's. I expected Elliot to be relieved when I said that but instead his eyebrows shot up to his hairline and his jaw dropped, and he almost looked angry.

"You're kidding me"

"Why would I kid about that, and what does it matter to you? Sorry I didn't run it by you, Elliot. You know like how you ran your retirement plan by me before leaving. Oh wait, that's right you didn't." I said with venom in my tone.

"I may have fucked up, Liv and I will be apologizing for that for the rest of my life, but because I left you run to the worst person you could think of!" He spat with an angered whisper.

'What the fuck was he talking about' I thought to myself

"I mean, Haden was bad, Cassidy, don't even get me started, the dumbass from the paper Kurt Moss, but PORTER, you ran to fucking Porter" Now I knew what he was talking about, Noah Porter Benson, I never even thought of that before.

"Elliot, I'm not with Porter." He looked up at me with relief. "And he is not Noah's father." Confusion was obvious on Elliots face.

"We had a case 6 years ago, a woman named Ellie Porter she was a prostitute and her boyfriend Johnny Drake was a sex trafficker. A bunch of shit had happened and we went to a location where a bunch of child pornographers were meeting, did a bust and I uh" I started to get choked up at the thought but I took a breath and continued.

"I uhm I found Noah in a drawer and I picked him up and when we locked eyes it was just, there was a connection that I couldn't explain."

"So you've had him since then?" Elliot asked and I shook my head no

"It was never simple, he was placed in foster care and they found out he had a viral infection so they brought him to the hospital and I went to see him everyday, then he went through 3 more foster homes in a span of 2 months, eventually Ellie found out and she wanted Noah back. The judge agreed if she had gotten clean. So I helped her, I stayed in contact with her and tried to do what I could to get her back on track and stay clean. She was so close, and the night before the trial she had snuck out of the group home and gotten high" I said and started to tear up, Elliot had reached over and grabbed my hand to give me the support to keep going.

"She snuck out and got high, and that night she was gang raped and set on fire. So that left Noah without a mother. I went to the trial the next day to see what would happen with him, I wanted to make sure he would go to a good home. I was standing in the back and then Judge Linden asked if I was the one who found Noah, and asked me if I would be interested in fostering Noah. I was honestly so surprised after being turned down countless times, I told her yes and Noah came home with me. Of course Johnnys lawyer did not like it so they fought to have Noah removed, and Linden ruled them out. So much shit had gone on, and 3 years later Langan was at my door to tell me I was approved for adoption, so we went back to see Linden where she legally made me Noah's mother and he became Noah Porter Benson" I said with teary eyes and a smile as I thought back to the happiest day of my life.

"You saved his life, Liv"

"No, he saved mine" I told him as I wiped a tear that had fallen.

"No one deserves it more than you, Liv" Elliot said bringing me out of my trance, we weren't here to catch up, I actually had to talk to him about the comments Eli was telling Noah.

"Anyways, I wanted to talk about some of the things Eli has been telling Noah, I'm not mad at Eli and I don't blame him, I mean he has been helping Noah and I am so grateful for that, but you have to talk to him."

"Okay, but it couldn't have been that bad, I mean he is a kid, he's always so respectful" Elliot tried to defend

"I'm not saying that he's not, he is repeating what he has heard"

"Oh"

"Noah has been giving me attitude lately and last night he called me a bitch, now I don't think that part was from Eli, but possibly Eli's friends if Noah is around them too. But then he pushed me and said I wanted him to go to bed so I could go to work and have sex" Elliot looked at me with the same confusion I wore the night before.

"I asked him why he thought that, and he said his friends mom used to yell at his daddy whenever Eli would go to bed that he was only going to work to have sex with his slut partner. And that his mom often referred to his partner as the whore he was screwing around with" Elliots' eyes widened he knew Kathy had said things like this many times, he just didn't know Eli had ever heard, nor that he understood what was happening.

"Olivia, I am so sorry for the shit Kathy sa-"

"I don't care about what Kathy thinks of me, whatever happens between you and your wife is bet-"

"EX wife" Elliot interrupted making it known that they were indeed divorced now.

"Either way, I don't care what she thinks, what I care about was that it got back to my son, and now he thinks I go to work to have sex and to avoid him and then we will have to live in separate houses"

"Liv, I'm sorry. For everything, but for right now especially I am sorry that Noah had to hear that and think that you were leaving him when you went to work. I promise I will talk to Eli about what he says, and I'm going to have to sit down with him and see how he's doing. I never realized how much he had been affected by all of this, but clearly he had been." I felt bad for Elliot, one thing you could never say about him was he was a bad father. He was an absolutely amazing father, he may have not always been around but he was always there for them, he would die for his children, and he did everything and more to make sure his kids were happy, healthy, and safe. I always admired that about Elliot. I could tell that he was beating himself up now and replaying my words in his head, he felt like a bad father now.

"You're a great dad, Elliot." I told him truthfully and he looked up at me and shook his head.

"I didn't even realize how much my son had been hurting, dad of the year award goes to me"

"El, you have done everything for your kids. It may have been a while since I have last seen you, but one thing I know is your ability to be an amazing dad to your kids has and never will change. There was a lot of things you could have done better, but being a father was never something you needed to work on."

We both sat in silence for a while longer finishing our coffees, I saw a text from Fin that we caught a case so I knew it was time to go.

"We got a case, so I uhm" I froze, should I say bye, or see you later, or see you around? Eli and Noah were obviously hanging out and I wanted to be as involved with my sons life as possible but that meant being around Eli, and being around Eli meant being around Elliot.

"Go, New York can only survive without Wonder Woman for so long" Elliot told me with a smile as I got out of the booth and started to walk away till I felt him grab my wrist

"Hey Liv?" I turned around to see what he was going to say

"Eli was going to ask Noah if him and his mom wanted to join us this weekend at the Yankees game, I had gotten 4 tickets and since the three of us had been practicing ball for a few months now, I thought Noah and his parent would like to come"

"Wait, the three of you? You're the one thats been playing ball with Noah? You're Mr. S" I said to myself as I connected the dots, this was the man who was helping Noah at school. I knew his friend and occasionally his friends dad were helping him when they would invite Noah to play with them, but I did not realize Mr. S had been Mr. Elliot Stabler this whole time.

"Yeah, the kid has a mean swing" Elliot chuckled and honestly I was thankful, although I wasn't aware that Elliot had been a male figure in Noah's life and I was happy that it had been a good man like Elliot.

"Thank you, El. I mean that. Thank you for looking out for Noah, I've felt guilt about him not having a male figure in his life, and you and Eli just welcomed him in your boys club and gave him that."

"He's a good kid, Liv. You've raised a really good boy. With or without male figures, he would've been fine." We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds and I looked at my watch and said again that I had to go.

"Liv, this weekend?" Elliot asked again

"Uh I will think about it, see you later, Elliot" I said as I walked out of the diner thinking about what I said.

'See you later' I had already made up my mind that I planned on seeing him again, I wasn't sure when, I wasn't sure if I would go this weekend, but I was going to see him again.

I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as I made my way into the 1-6 and saw my team, everyone was working hard as per usual and I knew it was time to get serious.

"Fin, what do we got?"

"16 year old raped and beaten she was found at the Staten Island dump"

"Time of death?"

"Not available" He said and I looked at him confused

"Why not?"

"Shes still alive" I shook my head with disgust. It's hard to know in those moments if you want to live or die. I have been in the same situation. When I was kidnapped there was a point, many points actually when I didn't care if he killed me, I would have rather been dead than replay everything that had happened to me in my mind over and over again. But then there was times of fight, times that I knew I didn't just need to survive, I wanted to.

We made our way into the hospital and into Emmas room. This poor girl had just woken up, she was covered in bruises, cuts, burns, and bite marks, but what surprised me when I walked in was her smile. In all of my years of doing this I had never seen a victim in this position smile.

"Hi Emma, I'm Detective Benson, and this is Detective Tutuola are you ok with him being in here with us?" I had to ask every vicitim because of the trauma they just endured was most likely a male.

"Yes, it's ok"

"So do you want to tell us what happened?"

"My friend, Cara and I went to a house party and we knew we shouldn't have drank but everyone was so we had a couple"

"Was it someone at the party who did this?"

"No, we had a few drinks and we both were feeling funny and decided we should go home, everything was a blur, but when we got to Nonis pizza place two men had grabbed us from behind and pulled us into an alley way. Cara wasn't moving and I knew why so I fought and I kept fighting"

"Do you know what they looked like, Emma?"

"One guy was about 6 feet tall bright green eyes and blond hair, reeked of cigarettes, the other one was brown hair brown eyes and he was about 6'5, he kept saying it's just like before"

I wrote down her details and allowed her to keep describing what had happened.

"Just like before? Did you know him?"

"No, I had never seen him before. But I remember by older brother gave me his pocket knife and told me to always keep it on me no matter what, so I reached for it and stabbed the guy that was holding Cara down in the leg. Once he let her go I kept telling her to run"

"Emma, may I ask why you stabbed him and not the one who was hurting you?"

"I couldn't let it happen again" She whispered

"Let what happen again, honey?"

"Cara was raped 2 years ago by her brothers friend. That's why she was so lifeless, it had already happened to her once, I couldn't let it happen again. If that meant I had to take it instead of her, then that's what I had to do. So I did" I was shocked by her words, that's why she was smiling, she had saved her best friend from having to go through the same ordeal a second time in her life.

"You are such a brave young woman, Emma. You did not deserve this at all, and neither did Cara"

"I couldn't let my best friend go through that again, last time she was alone. She tried to kill herself, she was just a shell of the person she really was. She was going through so much and she was alone, I made sure that she would never have to go through anything bad alone again. She is like my sister, our moms were friends since elementary. When you love someone you stick by them." When she said this I thought back to Elliot, I was upset for him leaving me, but he was going through all of this alone, and like this 16 year old had said, if you love someone you stick by them.

We finished our interview, and the rape kit was doe, then Fin told uni's to go to the location and look for the knife. As we were walking out I had bumped into someone. I looked up to apologize and gave another confused look for what would have been the millionth time today it seemed.

"Elliot?"

"Liv! I'm gla-"

"What are you doing here?"

"Noah got sick at sch-"

"What! Noah is here?" I asked in a panic as I ran into the room that Elliot had just come out of and saw my baby boy sitting in a hospital bed playing a game on Elliots phone

"Baby, are you ok? What happened?" I asked as I went to his bed to hold him close

"I just had bumped my head a little then I threw up" Noah said like it wasn't a big deal but he obviously had a concussion and I was worried. I looked up and saw Elliot in the doorway holding a bag of chips for Noah.

"Why are you here?" I asked him but it came out rather rudely.

"I'm sorry, I just mean wh-"

"Liv, it's fine I know what you meant. You forgot this at the diner" Elliot said holding up my phone.

"I went to go to the 1-6 to give it back but a blond woman said you were on a case she was going to hold it for you but I wasn't sure who you would want holding onto your things so I kept up, 5 minutes later the school called looking for you saying that Noah was playing and he hit his head on the playground and then threw up, they knew it was a concussion but since he threw up within 5 minutes of it happening they called 911 to bring him here. I didn't want him to be alone, and I wasn't sure where you were so I came down to sit with him." In that moment, everything had been forgotten as I started to cry I made my way closer to Elliot and hugged him tightly silently thanking him for not letting my baby boy be alone and keeping him calm while I was gone.

"Lieu, we got DNA back on the Mendez case, Carisi said as him and Fin walked in to the room Fin saw me run into earlier.

"Lieu?" Carisi asked

"Stabler?" Fin said but didn't continue as soon as he saw Noah laying in the bed.

"Noah, what're you doing in here, big man?" Fin asked as he made his way over to Noah holding his fist out to pound it.

"Uncle Fin! Uncle Sonny! I bumped my head then I barfed everywhere! It was cool!" Noah said being completely unfazed by the concussion.

"Everywhere!" Fin said with excitement

"Yeah it was like blaaaaghh!" Noah imitated himself vomiting.

I looked up at Elliot he wiped my tears knowing I wouldn't want anyone else to see them and he gave me a soft smile. We still had to talk but as of right now, I couldn't have been more thankful to have him here right now.

"Anyways big man, me and uncle Sonny gotta go catch some bad guys, you start being careful or else we won't be able to go to the park anymore" Fin said as he and Sonny gave Noah a fist pump. They told me they had everything covered and to stay with Noah and if they really needed me they would call.

I sat next to Noah just watching him play his game. I looked at the Band-Aid I put on his head the night before and the goose egg that had formed on the other side.

"So Lieutenant" Elliot started and I looked at him with a smile. "When did that happen?"

"Well after Munch retired, I became Sargent, then Cragen decided he had had enough too, and IAB came and asked me to be Lieutenant so for the last 4 years now that's been my job."

"You deserve it. They couldn't have picked anyone better"

"Thanks, El. Look I am extremely grateful to have you here right now, but we also can't forget everything that happened. We still need to talk about everything and put it out in the open before we can move forward with anything."

"I'm ready to talk as long as you're ready to listen."

"I wasn't before but I think after today, and how you've been with Noah in the past months, I think I know owe it to you to give you a chance to talk and for me to actually listen"

"I don't want this to be the only reason you listen to me" Ellio said motioning around the hospital room. "I want you to listen to me because you want to, and because you're ready"

"I am" I told him simply and for once I was.

"I can come by tonight with pizza and we can talk?" Elliot offered and Noahs ears perked up by the mention of pizza

"Pizza!"

"Noah, remember what we said"

"But mommy, I'm hurt" He milked giving me puppy dog eyes, that I really couldn't say no to"

"Fine, but after this you will try new things, deal?" I asked holding my pinky out for him to interlock with his and when he did he gave me a big grin and said "Deal"

"Is he not allowed pizza?" Elliot asked

"No, I'm just trying to show him other foods besides pizza."

"Sorry Liv, I didn't know. I can bring something else"

"No no, it's fine, I think after the day we have all had I can allow it this one last time"

We smiled at each other and Elliot left by 2:00 to go pick Eli up from school, bu 4:00pm we were released from the hospital and made our way home while we waited for Elliot and Eli to show up. By 5:30 I heard a knock at the door and I looked through the peephole out of habit and unlocked the door letting Elliot and Eli in.

We sat around eating pizza, while the boys talked about baseball, around 6:30, I told the boys they could watch a movie while Elliot and I went to talk in my bedroom. I didn't put a T.V in Noahs room so I had to keep them entertained in the living room. I poured myself a glass of wine, and then took the bottle with me, thinking it would be necessary. I grabbed a beer for Elliot as I made my way to my room to talk with Elliot.

Elliot was sitting on my bed as I handed him a beer and sat next to him taking a sip of my wine.

"So, let's talk." I told him


	3. Chapter 3

"After the shooting I never thought I wouldn't be back, I expected I would go to therapy and come back but that was how I thought when I was driving home. Once I was home and I got in the shower and I saw a 16 year old girls blood coming off my body and being washed away in the drain something changed. I was washing away this girl as quickly as I shot her, I thought of my daughters and how I had basically taken the life of my own daughter. I broke down in the shower and Dickie was the one who had to help me since Kathy was at work, and I kept thinking my kids should not have to see their father like this, it wasn't fair to them."

"You went through something big, El, your kids wanted to be there for you" I told him softly

"Not like that, they couldn't see me like that. I told Dickie I was fine and I grabbed a beer and went to bed. I started thinking more and more and I kept thinking how I couldn't believe how close she was to killing her and I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her. For a few moments I wasn't feeling guilt, I was feeling relief."

"Who is her?" I asked him half knowing and yet half curious, I knew she only pointed a gun at Sister Peg which I could see Elliot worrying for as she was someone of the church, but the other woman she pointed the gun at was...me.

"You know it's you, Olivia" He admitted and I felt the guilt

"It's not your fault, Liv. I made a choice, and as much as I hated it, I don't regret it. At the time I kept getting nightmares, I was seeing her face everywhere and then I was seeing my daughters face on her body as I took that shot and then I was seeing me be too late and you bleeding out. I drank, I drank a lot to try and get rid of the images. I was disgusted with myself, Liv. I was so drunk that I forgot to pick up Eli from school a few times, I fought with Dickie, I told Maureen, my own fucking daughter to stop being a slut when she tried to tell me that her and her boyfriend were moving in together" He said as he let a tear fall, I slowly brought my hand up to his back as I slowly rubbed it in an attempt to soothe him.

"Kathy finally had a enough and she left me, and it was just years of drinking and pushing my kids away. One day I called Kathleen and I knew she was at work" He said taking a shaky breath and I moved closer to him so he knew he wasn't alone.

"I called her and I told her to tell everyone that I loved them, and that I was sorry. It was on a voicemail so I thought it would've been ok, I thought I would have had time to do it" He said and my body tensed, if he was about to tell me what I thought he was I was going to break.

"I kept looking down the barrel of my gun and when I put it in my mouth for I don't know how long but, I sat on the floor crying and I couldn't see anything because of the tears but I felt all of these arms wrap around me holding me as I cried. Finally I felt a hand on mine slowly pull the gun from my mouth and I broke down, Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie and Dickie were all there on my floor holding me telling me that they loved me and they needed me. They stayed with me for a few days they talked to me and we all agreed I would go to therapy. That was 4 years ago and to this day I am still in it." He told me proudly but I couldn't stop the tears running down my face as I moved my body and held him tightly. I never knew it was that bad, every mean text I had ever sent telling him how much he fucked up by leaving me was regretted, every time I had wanted to go to his house to see him, and I decided that if he was sorry he would come to me instead made the tears fall even more.

"Liv, I don't want you to blame yourself. I was an asshole and I know that, but you didn't know, and I never would have let you know. I couldn't let you see me like that"

"El, I never would have judged you. I would have tried to help you. You meant more to me than anyone, you were the one person I couldn't lose and when you left I thought I did lose you. But hearing that you tried to kill yourself Elliot, then I really would have lose you and I couldn't live with myself knowing that you were hurting so much and I wasn't there for you." I said taking his hand in mine tightly

"I'm ok now, Liv. I'm still here, and honestly I got a lot out of therapy. There was so much in my life since childhood that I had been holding on that I didn't even realize that I was holding onto. I feel good now, I know there are things I can't change, and I can only move forward but I am excited about life, I love being with my kids, I love new opportunities, I love just waking up in the morning now and knowing I'm still here. There are a lot of regrets that I have and I can only be in control of the ones I am able and willing to change, and one of them was leaving you like I did and I want to make an effort to be your friend again, Liv." He was being honest and sincere and I could feel that, I knew I missed him as much as I was mad at him, I missed him.

"I would like that, El" I smiled at him as a tear fell down my cheek as we both remained silent for a few minutes.

"You know I'm glad that I was right, but I always knew I would be" He said breaking the tension, which made me look at him with a confused smile

"When the adoption centers said you werent prime parent material, and I told you they were wrong. Noah is very well mannered and he is kind, Liv, you know how hard it is to find kind kids? You've done amazing. Makes me proud to know you" He complimented me making me smile.

"Thank you" I whispered. We locked eyes for a minute just smiling at each other till we finally got up to go check on the boys, when we got to the living room we saw both boys passed out on the floor making us laugh quietly at the two of them.

"We should probably get going" Elliot said as he was about to lift a sleeping Eli

"You guys can stay" I offered him without even thinking but I really didn't mind.

"I don't want to impose"

"You never said that before when you were drunkenly showing up at my door" I laughed making him smile and nod his head

"You can put him in Noah's bed with him" I said as I picked Noah up and brought him to his bed to tuck him in, I moved him over a bit so Eli would fit too. I kissed Noahs head and said my good nights

"Good night, sweet boy. Mommy loves you" I whispered as I made my way back out to the living room. Elliot and I sat on the couch watching TV for a while before I announced I was going to bed, I brought Elliot a pillow and a blanket to the couch and before I left he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a hug.

"I've missed you" He whispered

"I missed you too" I told him truthfully

I laid in my bed replaying everything Elliot told me tonight, I wish I could have told him how much he had hurt me but now it just seems ridiculous. He was trying to kill himself and I was pouting that the man I loved had left me. I also didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to push him, especially not now. Eventually I fell asleep and got the rest I was desperately needing.

I woke up the next day at 6:30 to the smell of coffee and for a second I was confused but my confusion was wiped away with a smile when I remembered Elliot was here. I stretched and pulled a cardigan over my tank top as I made my way out to the kitchen.

"Morning" I said softly as I sat on the bar stool watching Elliot make coffee in my kitchen.

"Good morning" He said with his big Stabler smile as he handed me a cup. We both took a sip and looked into each others eyes, I could tell there was something on Elliots mind.

"So about last night" He started and I put my cup down to give him my full attention. "I know I laid a lot on you and I'm sorry for that"

"Don't apologize, El. I needed to know"

"You did, but the problem is, I don't know what you went through"

"None of that matters anymore, El. You were struggling worse than I could have imagi-"

"Liv, it matters. You know how I told you I've been in therapy for 4 years?" He asked and I nodded

"Well, and you don't have to if it's weird, but if you would like, I would love for you to come to a session or two with me. I want you to tell me how you felt and everything you went through. I know that after I told you everything you thought that your feelings didn't measure up to my struggles and they do, Liv. We were both struggling for different reasons but it was a struggle nonetheless. I know you don't want to tell me because you think it's irrelevant now or you think that if you tell me or get mad at me that I'm going to go over the edge and be back in that dark time in my life again but I promise you, Liv I feel better, I have a will and a want to live and to live life at its fullest. I don't want you to hide from me because if we want to start over I don't want there to be any words or feelings to be left unsaid."

I was shocked, this was not the Elliot that I once knew, he let out his feelings with his fist not his words.

"Where is the real Elliot" I half joked to him

"He's still here, don't worry. Instead of punching lockers I punch the bags instead"

"I want to tell you things, Elliot it just doesn't seem neces-"

"It is, Olivia. I want you to get mad at me, yell at me, I want you to get it all out because I know you've been holding all of this in"

"I'll think about it"

"Well you are still thinking about the game today, so I'm gonna need an answer for one of them" He said with a grin.

"Still an impatient son of a bitch" I teased as I took another sip of my coffee "I'll go"

"To which?"

"The game, Noah and I will come to the game with you guys"

"One outta two, I'll take it" We continued to sip on our coffee till we heard laughing from Noahs room and we knew the boys were awake, once they ran out Noah was holding his baseball glove and ran to hug me.

"Morning mommy" He said as he cuddled into my legs before I bent down to pick him up to hug him tighter

"Good morning, sweet boy"

"Mommy can we please please please go to the game with Eli and Mr. S?"

"Hmm, let me think about that" As I pretended to think about the decision I already made

"I guess so"

"Yes!" Noah yelled jumping from my arms to go to Eli

"Fun being a parent sin't it?" Elliot asked with a chuckle

"You can never say no to them" I told him with a laugh.

A few hours later Elliot and Eli went home to get ready leaving Noah and I to also get ready for the game, Noah wore his jersey and jeans while I wore a black and white striped shirt and jeans with my hair straightened. Once we were both ready we went downstairs to meet Elliot and Eli and drove to the game.

Once we arrived at the stadium and went to our seats which were really good they could not have been cheap, Elliot said he would be right back leaving me with the two boys. They were both talking about the players and jumping up and waving at the mascots making me smile.

"Boys, look at me" I said to them as they turned and smiled while I captured a picture of them.

"Who's ready to play ball!" Elliot yelled as he came back down to the seats with his hands full, I pulled his seat down so he could sit easily as he handed a hot dog and soda to Eli and one to Noah.

"What do you say?" I asked them

"Thanks dad"

"Thanks Mr. S"

"And for you" Elliot said handing me a hot dog and a beer

"El, you didn't have to ge-"

"Nonsense, it's a baseball game, Liv. It would be inhumane to not eat a hot dog while watching a game. Some may say that those who don't eat a hot dog at a baseball game will cause us to lose" I laughed at his assumption and took a bite of the hot dog.

"Thank you" I smiled as I took a sip of the beer to wash it down

"Oh and I almost forgot" He said as he reached back in the box and placed a hat on my head

"You have no team spirit so we had to change that" He told me as I took the hat off to see what it looked like and it was a simple black and white New York Yankees logo on the hat.

"Can't take any chances, Liv" He said seriously

We watched the game and cheered for the Yankees, I was definitely getting into the game even yelling at the other team when they would get a home run. I looked over at the boys and saw them standing up and cheering so I snapped their picture again. I didn't want to admit it, I would rather say I was forced to do this for my son, but the truth is, I was having a really good time with Elliot, and the boys.

It was now the seventh inning stretch and the 4 of us were talking and laughing while we watched the people dancing onthe jumbo tron to the music that was playing

"Now it's time for our favorite part of the day" The announcer said as a song started to play neither one of us paying much attention.

 ** _'I don't want another heartbreak_**

 ** _I don't need another turn to cry_**  
 ** _I don't want to learn the hard way_**  
 ** _Baby, hello, oh, no, goodbye_**  
 ** _But you got me like a rocket_**  
 ** _Shooting straight across the sky'_**

"Look" Elliot said pointing and we saw the screen said kiss cam as couples laughed and kissed, some were strangers or friends so it made it funny.

 ** _'It's the way you love me_**

 ** _It's a feeling like this_**  
 ** _It's centrifugal motion_**  
 ** _It's perpetual bliss_**

 ** _It's that pivotal moment  
It's impossible' _**

We continued to laugh and smile at some of the people who were picked, some of the elderly couples made my heart flutter. I looked over at Noah and Eli who were watching every one and saying cooties.

"Uh Liv" Elliot said tapping my arm

"Hmm?" I said looking at him and he was pointing at the screen. The screen that was now filled with mine and Elliots shocked faces. I started smiling out of nervousness and shook my head no, but people kept cheering and they wouldn't take the camera away from us.

"Kiss her!" People yelled

"Kiss the man!" Some more people yelled but I kept laughing and saying no

"Mom! You have to, it's the rules! Noah said

"Come on dad!" Eli encouraged and I thought the camera would eventually shift but then I felt Elliots fingers on my chin turning my face to him, he looked me in the eyes and smiled as he brought his lips to mine and placed a soft kiss upon my lips.

 ** _'This kiss, this kiss (Unstoppable)_**

 ** _This kiss, this kiss_**

 ** _Cinderella said to Snow White_**  
 ** _How does love get so off course_**  
 ** _All I wanted was a white knight_**  
 ** _With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse'_**

People cheered for us since we finally kissed but it was short and sweet that people wanted more. When we pulled away Elliot looked at me with red cheeks and smiled nervously at me.

The song continued to play as it scanned other people in the crowd to get them on the kiss cam, finally the song was almost done and we would get back to the game, but then we saw that we were once again back on the kiss cam screen.

"Give her a real kiss!" People yelled

"It seems the crowd has found their favorite, but I think they are wanting more" The announcer said, I could not beleive this was happening, hopefully once the song ended this would be over with.

 ** _'It's the way you love me_**

 ** _It's a feeling like this_**  
 ** _It's centrifugal motion_**  
 ** _It's perpetual bliss'_**

"You want a real kiss!" I heard someone yell making me snap my head up at the voice because it was not just anyone, it was Elliot who was now standing up smiling as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up to his lips. At first I did not move my lips but I eventually gave in and relaxed under his touch as he twisted his fingers through my hair and kissed me passionately, the people that were once cheering loudly were now muted, I had blocked everything else out except for the feeling of Elliots lips.

 ** _'It's that pivotal moment_**  
 ** _It's unthinkable_**  
 ** _This kiss, this kiss (Unsinkable)_**  
 ** _This kiss, this kiss'_**

The kiss felt never ending and I felt my whole body melting, for years I had wondered what it would have been like to kiss Elliot Stabler, and now here we are.

"Alright love birds, I think you have satisfied everyone in the crowd" I softly heard the announcer but it wasn't until I felt a little tug on my pant leg

"Moooom, gross" Noah said making me pull away laughing at Noah but when I looked back at Elliot he wore the same look as me, want, confusion, satisfaction, lost, and maybe just maybe, love.

We continued to watch the game together as normal but we both knew it was no longer normal. Our feet had somehow gotten closer, my knees were turned in his direction,his shoulders now touching mine and his hand hanging off the arm rest contemplating whether or not to rest it on my thigh. I didn't know what the future was going to hold, and I was still confused and I could see Elliot was too, but one thing that was for sure, we had both confirmed the feelings we both had pushed down for years and years in that second kiss.

Once the game had ended we walked out together and Elliot drove Noah and I back home. The boys were talking the whole time and the silence between Elliot and I was awkward.

"Good Ga-"

"You have fu-" We both began to talk in unison making us stop and laugh

"You go first" I told him

"Did you have fun?" He asked me

"I did, it was a good game, and it was fun to watch the boys get so excited" I said not mentioning the kiss

"Yeah, that was good" We were both quiet again

"Liv, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfor-"

"You didn't" I interrupted him. "I was surprised, but I wasn't uncomfortable"

"You would tell me if you were though right?" He asked nervously and I could tell he was thinking hard about this. I reached over and grabbed his three middle fingers in my hand and squeezed them.

"I would have told you, I wasn't uncomfortable and I'm not mad about it" I said reassuring him as I let go of his fingers.

We pulled up to my building and Elliot got out to say goodbye. He gave Noah a fist bump and said his goodbyes, and I saw him lean his body into me for a hug but he pulled back and stuck his hand out quickly for me to shake. I starred at it for a moment trying not to laugh as I took his hand and shook it slowly.

"Thanks for joining us" He said quickly as he went back to his car while we walked up to the door, I looked back and saw Elliot hitting his head on the steering wheel, I walked back over to him and his window was now open.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, a handshake Elliot smooth move, real smooth" I heard him say to himself making me giggle as he looked up quickly

"Liv, did you uh forget something?" He asked nervously and I shook my head no as I leaned down closer to him and kissed his cheek.

"Thanks for today, El" I told him with a smile as I walked back to the door, I looked back at him again and he had a big smile on his face as he waved goodbye to us.

Elliot was right, if he wanted us to start over we had to be open and honest with our feelings, that didn't just mean the good, it also meant the bad. All of it. If I wanted to start a real friendship or even a relationship with him, I needed to be honest with him about everything, even if it hurts.


End file.
